Some posts are harder to write than others. Sometimes the words you hope to write doesn't look just write on paper. Today is a hard day for me, harder than most. I don't think I can portray exactly how I'm feeling or my thoughts on here but I plan to try.

Where to begin!?! I guess after 3 years this should be easy right!?! I should be able to handle this day like any other day!?! But, I cant and I probably never will. 3 years ago today I lost my mom and best friend. This day will always be etched into my brain. Getting that call that turns your whole life upside down. That makes you question everything in the world. That call that makes you feel like your falling and cant get up. Losing a parent is never easy but when its unexpected i fell like its 10x worse. Like you wonder if there was something you could do, say, change to make the outcome different. 3 years ago today my mom took her life. She decided that being on earth just wasn't worth it. She just couldn't bring herself to handle the pain and stress of everything. In away I understand this she was disabled, she had a stroke, she had so many diseases. So in some part I get that. I get the pain she was in the stress she was under. But it still is hard to except she'll never meet my kids, never see me get married. I mean hopefully she's in heaven and watching down in me, but truthfully its not the same as her next to me, or on the phone. I can still hear her voice, her laugh, i can still remember her smile, her hugs, and kisses.
I know deep down I'll always remember the amazing lady she was. She touched so many lives growing up. She was the cool mom, the mom everyone wanted to come over and hang out with. She was always there to help me study, get ready for dances, my shoulder to cry on, my confident, my hero, my strength, my best friend. She had away with talking to people, I mean she could walk into a grocery store and make a friend by the time she left. She was never afraid to speak her mind either. My mom is everything the person I hope to be one day.
I think what hurts the most about talking about my mom is knowing that we'll never have the closure that is needed. My mom died being mad at me. I'll never forget the last words said and though I'm not going to repeat them lets just say they were pretty rough I just hope that she knows wherever she is I forgive her and I hope she forgives me. I just wish she would have called, would have said something, I wish there was a better answer then what she choose.
I think that's all I have in me to say today. Mom I love and miss you every minute of every day of every week of every month of every year. I hope that one day we'll be able to see each other again!
*My words of advice is never stay mad, remember to tell those you love them every chance you get you never know when they may need it. You realize in life its easier to forget than to stay mad. I hope those out there thinking about suicide realize that nothing is ever so bad that you have to kill yourself. There's always a better answer, always someone willing to talk. Never give up because someone out there loves you and would miss you if you left.